So the last week or so since I've posted has been pretty bad.
Firstly I've been pretty down because I've somehow managed to put on four kilo's. I'm furious and disappointed and lots of other things and honestly, I really felt like giving up. Then I found out my nan was taken to hospital, she's still in there now. She had a small stroke and has had a pace maker put in. All is ok at the moment (she's in recovery) but for a while it was pretty scary so that's been very stressful. Partly because I've had to be the support for my mum and she's been pretty freaked about the whole thing, which is understandable. So neither of us have been to the gym for like a week (we go together) and that in itself made me feel even more crap if that's possible. SIGH.
I've also been guilt tripping myself quite a lot. I turned to food to deal with this situation which I then torn myself up about. I really feel like a failure at the moment to be honest.
Also for some stupid reason my mind decided it would choose this week to start freaking out about my future (career wise) because if I decide to go to University next year I have to start my entry course in June which means I really need to decide what I want to do before then which I can't seem to do.
So yes, in general it's been pretty.. urgh. However I have plans to go back to the gym on Monday as per the usual and try to work a bit harder. I've been looking into those weight loss retreats again because I keep watching the Biggest Loser on tv (also depressing btw) and I've been thinking about going to one for about two weeks but I can't really afford it. I'm sure I could work something out but it's a lot of money. I'm thinking that I'll try working harder at the gym for a while, maybe go twice a day and see if that can help budge some of this flubber. Sound familiar? lol Wasnt' I just saying the exact same things mere weeks ago.. The annoying thing is it's difficult to go twice! I mean, I have nothing better to do at the moment (yes, I'm a bum) but I already go in the mornings, the afternoons and evenings are packed (and boy, do I mean packed! It's only a small gym) so the only other quiet time to go is around 1pm ish and that's when some of the young, buff guys go to lift ridiculous weights and I feel way way self conscious around them. I've gone in the afternoons before but I usually feel so bad I leave after like 20 minutes which seems like a big waste of time because it then takes that long to drive home! As for working out at home, that doesn't really do it for me. I find it very hard to get motivated to exercise at home and then when I do it takes literally twice as long to burn the same amount of calories as it does at the gym which is disappointing. ARGH! I can't win!
I also found out yesterday that apparently my cousin was going to ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding but decided not to because she didn't want to put me in the awkward position of having to turn her down. Right, because surely no fat person in their right mind would want to be in a wedding party! I don't know what makes me more angry, the fact that she's right or that fact that she didn't even bother to ask! Can't I make my own decisions? Now I kind of don't want to go at all. I've offered to take care of my nan if she isn't well enough to go to the wedding (in 8 weeks) so I might not be. Just for the record I didn't offer to take care of her just to get out of going, that was a happy coincidence! The truth is I really do want to go and I would have been so flattered if she had asked me to participate.