Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It's a long way to the top..

I'm feeling a little crappy today. Just in general, nothing to specific. I only spent 45mins at the gym this morning because I just had no energy what so ever. I've been feeling like that all week actually which is weird because normally at the gym I have heaps of energy, especially since I've been having a protein drink before I leave but this week, it's making no difference. Hopefully my energy comes back soon. It must have decided to go on holidays with my motivation..

Well not much else to report today. Eating is still not great but that's old news really. The only other new thing is that I got a new electric blanket today! Can't wait to go to bed and try it out. Mmm.. warm

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

This seriously just happened to me

Have you ever looked up the definition of a word then had to look up the definition of a word in the first word's definition. It really makes you feel stupid.

There's good news and bad news..

The good news is, horay! I've stuck to going to the gym again (for two whole days GASP!) even suffering through freezing weather and literally icey frozen cars. The bad news is my eating hasn't really improved to the same level.. if at all. So at the moment it's a combination of go me/I suck.

I'm actually feeling pretty guilty about eating badly today which is something that happens very rarely, if ever so I'm going to take that as a good sign. I'm also going to try to focus on the positives that I've achieved this week and try not to overly beat myself up over the failures. It's a new thing I'm trying, I was sick of explaining the black eyes all the time.

That said, by next week I want my butt to be in gear! Healthy mode, stat! And I'm not waiting until Monday because that always fails me. I'm going to start before Monday, not sure when.. Just before Monday.

Next week I also want to start going back to the gym for a little longer. Two hours was a little overkill but one hour seems a little slackish (for me) so I want to go back to 90 minutes. I was feeling quite good when I did that a couple of weeks ago and I was smashing through 900+ calories per session which is super awesome.

I've been thinking today, what the hell makes me think it's ok to keep cheating with food. That's what annoys me. What right do I have to jeopardise my future and my happiness for the sake of tasty food that really I can have any old time. It kind of pisses me off that I can't motivate and/or control myself at the moment. It always seems like when I really think about it, I feel this way but in the heat of the moment (or heat of the craving) everything just gets pushed to the back of my mind by the fat girl part of my brain and I think, meh, go for it. Why? Why? Why sit there moping and getting depressed about how little weight I've lost over the last 9-10 months when I could just get up and do something about it instead! So that I haven't only lost the same little amount in 12 months! I suppose if I could really answer these questions being overweight wouldn't be a problem would it now. Not for me or anyone else.

Gah, just gah!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

So I had a little holiday.. Now I'm back.


I haven't posted anything for a while have I? I've been meaning to several times but either haven't bothered and/or my computer was being stupid. I don't know whats going on with it.. Oh yeah, it's being stupid!!

Anyhow, for the record I did actually write several long, witty and might I add awesome blog posts in my mind but alas they did not make in onto the screen. I wish there was some contraption to transfer thoughts digitally. That would be awesomesauce.

So, in regards to the weight loss, it hasn't happened. I've fallen off and climbed back on the bandwagon a couple of times during the last month or so and its been pretty pathetic overall. I also have been quite slack with the gyming. Slack being, yeah, nothing most of the time but I'm going back for good tomorrow morning. At a hellish 5am when it will surely be absolutely freezing (one of the reasons I've been slack) but I will suck. it. up. because it's getting closer and closer to being a year since I started my 'journey' and I'll be damned if I've only lost 25 kgs in a whole freakin' year! (That's actually gone back down to 20 with my recent bandwagon kerfuffle).

Obviously I won't have lost the amount of weight I was planning on losing in a year because, frankly that's completely impossible to achieve now unless I go join a biggest loser type fat camp and pay millions of dollars for but I want the number to be reasonable! I want to at least be half way which would be around 35kgs. It's probably a bit more honestly, but I don't have a lot of time as my 1 year anniversary is the end of August. (Again, honestly it's the end of July but I had a tooth removed not long after I started and had about 2 weeks off per Dr's orders so that takes it to August).

So, if I can get back into losing 1kg per week I should be able to get to my goal of 35 lost by my anniversary. I think that's pretty reasonable actually. I've put to much pressure on myself in the past and that was where my whole issue started. When I thought I should just push harder and eat better and start losing more than 1 kg per week and I failed. Miserably.

It's been months since I've successfully lost anything (and not put it back on a week later). Several months. I lost the majority of my weight before the end of January and since then it's just been crap! Sometimes I feel really depressed about how long I've let my holiday troll on for.. I keep thinking about how much more I could have lost by now if I had got back on the bandwagon in February.. or March.. or even April for fucks sake! I've just been feeling so crap about a miniature failure that I've let it become a huge mess! You may remember a few weeks ago when I posted I lost 4kgs.. Well I wasn't even that happy about it! For some reason I went from being ecstatic about losing 1kg to being blase' about losing 4? Wtf? I must have serious issues huh.

So the good part of starting again now, as of tomorrow, is I can start re reading Gabriel's book again and I'll probably finish it in two days because it's so fucking cold I've been going to bed at like 8pm! And when it comes to getting up in the morning when it's freezing I'll remember this quote I found...

Action may not always bring happiness.
But without action, there is no happiness.

It is so perfect and so true. Who cares if I'm cold! I'll warm up soon enough! And when I've lost enough weight then I won't have to go to the gym so early in the morning and hide from the hot people!

If only I could will myself to remember these things when it counts!

I have to get back on the horse before it runs off into the distance without me! Yes it sucks I've put back on 5 kgs but don't let it become 10! Or more! I have to prove to myself I can finish something. And I'd like to be smaller by the time University starts at the end on July.

Wish me luck!

/end self pep talk

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Opposites attract right?..

Weight loss isn't a race you quit when you're behind - It's a quest for life

So I had my weigh in yesterday, great news I've lost 4 kilos!! Awesome yes! I realise that number is mostly because I put on those kegs so quickly and probably some fluid and what not but hey, still awesome in my book! Yay! I don't expect those sorts of numbers every week.. It'd be nice but completely unrealistic unless you're on the biggest loser of course. I also officially got my auntys tready yesterday. So far I haven't used it but I plan to use it twice tomorrow to make up for not using it today. I haven't today because certain people are home and I feel their judgement through solid walls. It was a huge pain in the ass to get inside but it's in and I'm looking forward to getting started on it. Also, the gym is open again as of tomorrow! HORAY! I never thought I would say something like that in a million years haha

On the flip side of all that, I've had a pretty bad day today eating wise. Apparently 'that' part of my brain decided I was going to falls off the rails ('that' being the fat girl part). The annoying part is I probably could have convinced myself not to but for some reason.. I didn't. Oh well, too late now I guess. But I won't do the usual week off thing I have done in the past when I've made one mistake. Bad.

Moving on, I'm hoping to get into see the dr tomorrow because my latest side effect of my new pills (besides the apparent weight gain) is .. I'm losing my hair. Not happy. The worst part is if I stress over about it, it will probably get worse so I'm really trying not to stress but it feels like every time I touch my hair more falls out. I'm losing the same amount I would have previously in a month in about.. 2 days. The good thing is I have thick hair so I'm not going bald or anything but sheesh, I'm starting to notice a difference and I'll admit it's kind of freaking me out. So goodbye new pill, welcome back old one.

Thats about all for now.. I'll just go will my hair to stay put.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm baaack

Happy Easter!

Today is the worst day for anyone on a diet, with maybe the exception of Christmas but somehow I have won! Yes, I did have some dark chocolate (2 squares of Lindt 'intense blueberry' omg!) and I had some pretzels but that's it. Oh no, I lie. I also had a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich thingy which only has 124 calories so I don't really feel guilty about that. I was considering buying myself some chocolate because hey, it's Easter but I somehow convinced myself not to. Feeling chuffed.

Tomorrow is the first real weekly weigh in I've had for a while! For the last few months I haven't really gone a whole week without completely falling off the bandwagon for at least one day a week so weigh-ins weren't really 'legit'. This time, however it shall be! Hopefully it will be a pretty big loss because I managed to put on those last six kilos so quickly. Fingers crossed!

I've still been trying to think of 'rewards' for myself but I still can't think of anything that would really fit the bill. It has to be something I really want but not food related. I've noticed a lot of people get spa treatments, massages, manicures etc but that so isn't up my alley. The only thing I've really thought of is maybe going to the movies because I do that very rarely but thinking about it now it's not something that's very exciting. Hmm.. work in progress.

Also it looks like I'll be borrowing my aunty's treadmill to use at home. Sweet. I want it because I'd really like to start running (jogging or rather, shuffling is more like it) but I'm to self conscious to do so at the gym. I really need some new work out shoes, ones that are properly measured for me and such so I've decided to give the treadmill 1 month and if I stick with it that long then I can get new shoes! Here's hoping. It's nice having a plan sometimes.

That's it for now.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

As Dory would say.. Just keep swimming!

I didn't go to the gym again today, I still have pretty bad pains. I thought they were from PMS but now I'm not so sure. Perfect timing too because the doctors are closed for like a week because of Easter. Oh well, they gym is close now until Wednesday anyways so it doesn't really matter in that sense. I'll probably just be going on long walks in the mornings.

I resisted the urge to buy chocolate today. I really felt like it and I was going to but I somehow convinced myself not too. Yes! And I went through KFC and didn't buy anything there either! I came home and had some 85% dark chocolate and an apple instead. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself actually and that's something that doesn't happen often.

So today I've been thinking about what I might like to study next year but the degree I'm thinking of doing would mean I would have to do and entry course which would start in about July and I'm worried my weight is holding me back from committing to that. That's actually the reason I didn't start uni this year. I got into the degree I applied for but I decided to defer for a number of reasons including my weight. I was supposed to use this extra time to focus on that but unfortunately I kind of fell off the bandwagon for a few months. I'm back on course now (obviously) but I can't help but think about how much smaller I would be now if I hadn't given up! I suppose on the other hand I could think about how much bigger I would probably be if I hadn't started at all. I guess that puts things in perspective. BLERG it's so frustrating and stupid and pointless and and and..

Ok I'm not going to stress about it. I have until June to really decide. Hopefully I have an epiphany by then!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Smooth sailing

So far. Another good day! I didn’t get to update yesterday so I’ll start there..

I did 90mins at the gym again yesterday. My legs are a little sore but nothing serious. I was kind of annoyed because I did basically the same thing as Monday but burned 100 cals less today wtf? Stupid. I think 900 is still pretty impressive though. I have upheld my plan to change my routine around aswell. I've started breaking up cardio and weights into smaller groups over the 90mins instead of doing all cardio then all weights. I've also started doing interval training during cardio which definitely gets the heart rate and calorie burning up! I've been doing 1min slow / 1min super speed and damnit that minute of super speed goes way slower than the slow minute! Did I mention it's also exhausting!

I didn’t make it to the gym today. I did drive almost all the way there before going back home. I had pretty bad uh, womanly pains lol Otherwise today was ok. My eating was fine. The only bad thing is a did succumb to weighing myself! I know mybad! Luckily I have actually lost!! Hooray! I just needed a little pick me up so I decided to go with the weigh in. Obviously I realise if I hadn’t lost anything yet it probably would've been a bad idea but hey, I did so it’s all good. I’m going to really try to stay away from the scales until Monday though.

I've also started re-reading the Gabriel Method as promised. I forgot how good it was. I will start the meditation after I finish reading it I think.

Turns out the gym is closed for five whole days! From Good Friday through to Tuesday which is ANZAC day public holiday. What will I do! Mum wants to go walking with me which I'll probably end up doing but the lack of calories burned per walking session is so annoying. It's like 'Go me I've been walking for 5 hours straight and burned 12 calories!' Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating there a little...

Monday, April 18, 2011


I forgot to mention that I've managed to put on another 2 kgs. Urgh. I probably deserve it though. Hopefully they come off as easily as they went on!

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels..

Hmm, well I wouldn't know. Maybe that person just hasn't eaten very nice food haha!
Oh that isn't very positive of me! I take it back, surely being thin beats pigging on food.. surely..

So far today has been pretty good. I did have some leftover m&ms but they're gone now so that's that! I've started my food diary and it looks pretty good actually. Hopefully I can keep that habit going for longer than today! (usually my food diaries last about that long) I also did 90 mins at the gym this morning blasting through 1000 calories, so I'm feeling pretty chuffed with myself. I was going to stay longer but considering I haven't been for about a week I thought it better to take it a little easy and avoid a repeat on last fornights world of pain. So far so good!

I'm hoping to make some hummus this afternoon for tomorrow but we'll see how time goes. I have to take mum to the hospital to visit my nan again (it's become a daily ritual) and then I go back over in the evenings to pick her up (and see nan myself) so we haven't been getting home until quite late so I might have to cook dinner during my planned hummus making time. Maybe I could do both at once. I'm a woman, I can multi-task! Haha

Here's too tomorrow going as well as today has! (minus the m&ms of course)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

New plans - starting tomorrow.

I have a new plan that I'm starting as of tomorrow.
  • Eating mostly naked foods (not me naked, the food naked) as per Tiffiny's book
  • Planning meals but not freaking over a meal plan. Happy medium, check
  • STAY AWAY FROM THE SCALES except for one set day per week
  • Keeping a food diary and writing everything in it
  • Take it one day at a time. If I screw up once that doesn't mean I get the whole week "off"
  • Re-read the Gabriel Method and start listening to meditation again
  • Try a new routine at the gym. My workout needs a change
  • Don't put so much pressure on myself, every loss is a loss! It doesn't have to be five kgs!
  • Stop stressing about it for heaven's sake!

That's the basis of the plan for now. I feel like I want to add more but I can't think of anything else at the mo.

So obviously I'm feeling a little more positive again today but at the same time I'm feeling a little stressed as well. It kind of dawned on me today how long it's going to take to get where I want to be but it's better then waiting that long and still being where I am now. I also remembered yesterday that the gym is actually going to be closed for almost a week over the Easter holidays! Damnit! Stupid gym owner and his stupid life! It's a pity he isn't willing to open just for a couple hours in the morning each day. I hate exercising at home. Bleck.

I've been thinking about getting a treddy to use at home actually (yes, I know what I just wrote about exercise at home. I'm an enigma, get over it) because I want to start getting my jog on but I don't like doing it at the gym because well, parts move around y'know. It would probably just be temporary until I feel confident enough to use the gym treddy and/or go for jogs outside. They are pretty expensive though. My aunty has offered me hers and I can just pay off whatever is remaining on the contract (I think she got it on a interest free thing) but I feel a bit guilty because really she should be using it and I mean that in the nicest possible way! (She's heaps smaller than me) I also worry she'll use that as an excuse for not exercising and sort of indirectly blame me because I know she doesn't have the will power to go to the gym at the moment (even thought she's paying to go). I might talk to mum about it and see what she's thinks.

That's about it for now. Good luck to me for tomorrow! :D

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I promise I won't be as whiny today

Bring the body, the mind will follow.

New mantra, check.
I've been thinking today (gasp!) and the above quote seems like a nice place to start my new-new beginning. I think that's kind of how it worked the first time around (not this recent failure, I mean seven months ago, my real 'new begining'). I made physical changes like forcing myself to go to the gym and eating better and eventually it stopped being so hard to convince myself to do that. In fact, with the exception of the last week (or two) going to the gym isn't something I find a chore anymore. I may even actually enjoy going.. Although I probably wouldn't admit that out loud!

So I'm going to try something a little different and really really try not to stress over it all because obviously that isn't working for me. I'm also planning to re-read Jon Gabriel's book and listen to his meditation which I found very helpful when I first started.

I also bought Tiffiny Hall's new book recently (the new trainer on Biggest Loser) and it's quite information packed! I thought it would be very similar to Michelle Bridges book but it's really different. She goes into lots of details about how the different hormones work and all the different ingredients in food which is good and interesting but not exactly helpful. The weirdest thing is that her recipes in the back of the book have no calories listed and nutritional guide whatsoever. Isn't calorie counting pretty important to losing weight Tiffiny, dear? I mean she calls it a "no diet" book but even if you aren't counting calories it's nice to have an idea of whats in things. Sometimes it's shocking whats in some recipes. Especially ones that are called 'healthy'. So I guess I'll have to use my calorie counting book to look up every ingredient to try to work out the calories. That won't be time consuming at all.. Ick.

So food wise I'm not exactly sure what I'm planning at the moment. I wanted to finish reading Tiffiny's book before I really planned our eating but I don't know if I'll finish it in time for Monday. Hmm. I have the basic ideas in mind it's just making specific choices in order to do the groceries I have to decide. I guess I have all day tomorrow to work on it.

When it comes to food I think snacks are probably my biggest issue (besides the obvious falling off the path and binge eating). I always buy stuff for snacking then don't want to have it! It's so stupid. I'll think I want a snack so I'll look in the fridge but think "Urgh, I'm sick of having fruit/yogurt/etc" so sometimes I have nothing which makes me hungrier later which is another issue entirely, the thing here is if I just suck it up and have the damn fruit or yogurt then I'm fine with it! And usually enjoy it. Obviously there's some kind of mental thing happening there I need to work on. Maybe I need therapy? Ha!

Anyway as for the weight loss retreat thing, I'm not so sure about it now (mostly because it's so expensive) but I haven't taken it off the table yet.

So obviously I'm feeling quite a bit better about it all today. Although it could be because I'm on a bit of a sugar high. Irony much? Haha

Friday, April 15, 2011

Urgh, new begining FAIL

So the last week or so since I've posted has been pretty bad.

Firstly I've been pretty down because I've somehow managed to put on four kilo's. I'm furious and disappointed and lots of other things and honestly, I really felt like giving up. Then I found out my nan was taken to hospital, she's still in there now. She had a small stroke and has had a pace maker put in. All is ok at the moment (she's in recovery) but for a while it was pretty scary so that's been very stressful. Partly because I've had to be the support for my mum and she's been pretty freaked about the whole thing, which is understandable. So neither of us have been to the gym for like a week (we go together) and that in itself made me feel even more crap if that's possible. SIGH.

I've also been guilt tripping myself quite a lot. I turned to food to deal with this situation which I then torn myself up about. I really feel like a failure at the moment to be honest.

Also for some stupid reason my mind decided it would choose this week to start freaking out about my future (career wise) because if I decide to go to University next year I have to start my entry course in June which means I really need to decide what I want to do before then which I can't seem to do.

So yes, in general it's been pretty.. urgh. However I have plans to go back to the gym on Monday as per the usual and try to work a bit harder. I've been looking into those weight loss retreats again because I keep watching the Biggest Loser on tv (also depressing btw) and I've been thinking about going to one for about two weeks but I can't really afford it. I'm sure I could work something out but it's a lot of money. I'm thinking that I'll try working harder at the gym for a while, maybe go twice a day and see if that can help budge some of this flubber. Sound familiar? lol Wasnt' I just saying the exact same things mere weeks ago.. The annoying thing is it's difficult to go twice! I mean, I have nothing better to do at the moment (yes, I'm a bum) but I already go in the mornings, the afternoons and evenings are packed (and boy, do I mean packed! It's only a small gym) so the only other quiet time to go is around 1pm ish and that's when some of the young, buff guys go to lift ridiculous weights and I feel way way self conscious around them. I've gone in the afternoons before but I usually feel so bad I leave after like 20 minutes which seems like a big waste of time because it then takes that long to drive home! As for working out at home, that doesn't really do it for me. I find it very hard to get motivated to exercise at home and then when I do it takes literally twice as long to burn the same amount of calories as it does at the gym which is disappointing. ARGH! I can't win!

I also found out yesterday that apparently my cousin was going to ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding but decided not to because she didn't want to put me in the awkward position of having to turn her down. Right, because surely no fat person in their right mind would want to be in a wedding party! I don't know what makes me more angry, the fact that she's right or that fact that she didn't even bother to ask! Can't I make my own decisions? Now I kind of don't want to go at all. I've offered to take care of my nan if she isn't well enough to go to the wedding (in 8 weeks) so I might not be. Just for the record I didn't offer to take care of her just to get out of going, that was a happy coincidence! The truth is I really do want to go and I would have been so flattered if she had asked me to participate.


End whine

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Another day, another dollar.

Day three, still going strong!

I only did one hour at the gym today because I was supposed to get my car serviced (..which I didn't) so I was a little slackish. I was going to go back to the gym this afternoon to make up my two hours but.. yeah, y'know.. I didn't. I have no real reason other than that ha! The way I see it, one hour is still one whole hour and my thighs still hate me so I thought maybe having the afternoon off would help with that.

I also had a naughty today. Typical that the one day I slack off the tiniest bit is the day I have a treat! It was a milky-way which considering my chocolate issues, was extremely disciplined of me! I did eye the blocks of chocolate (yes, blocks not bars) which were on sale as well but I started to think back to the list I made yesterday and decided to move on. I feel pretty good about my control actually.

I'm watching the Biggest Loser at the moment and it's insane the amount of weight they have lost so quickly. I can't help but feel a little jealous sometimes to think they've lost the same amount I have in 7 months in mere weeks (about 8 weeks now I think). I realise it's unhealthy and all but I can't help it. I did actually consider going to a weight loss retreat in the blue mountains in NSW for a couple of weeks so I could lose some extra kilo's fast but they're so expensive! It costs around $2000 per week. Who the crap could afford that? Not me for sure. That's one of the reasons I decided to up my time at the gym. I figured I'm already paying (well, paid) for a gym membership I might as well use it up. Really I could stay there all damn day if I wanted and it wouldn't cost any more. Makes sense to me. If only I could get my muscles to agree!

In other unrelated news, there was a mouse in my place today. Ew. The cat chased it away but I did have a few moments of feeling like jumping up onto furniture when I would see it run past! And I'm not even scared of mice! I just didn't want it running over my feet! Eee

Oh! By the way, I didn't weigh myself today either. Normally I'm a every day kinda person but I actually just completely forgot! Hopefully I can keep forgetting for another four or so days.

That's it for today.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011


My list of reasons to lose weight. Ok so they're mostly vain and related to looks but so what! Because I'm still young I haven't had any health issues related to weight (yet) and besides I've gone my whole life without ever feeling I look good so why wouldn't I want too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! :P

Listy - in no particular order.

  • I want to run into old friends and have them not recognise me anymore in a good way, unlike now.
  • So I can actually get in contact with old friends without worrying they're going to ask to meet up. (I have actually avoided contacting people I dearly miss from school years mostly because I don't want them to see how big I've become over the years).
  • So my boobs stick out further than my tummy
  • So I can be healthy!
  • And fit!
  • Maybe even be desirable to people other than those with a fetish.
  • So that I am not the fattest person where ever I go.
  • I don't want to use my weight as a reason for not being successful anymore.
  • I want to wear cute dresses!
  • So I can have a bath, comfortably.
  • So that I stop making excuses not to socialise.
  • I want people to not be so shocked to see my siblings because they're all skinny and I'm the fat one.
  • I want to walk into any clothing store and be able to buy something that fits and looks nice.
  • So I can wear the fashion I love.
  • So people aren't surprised to learn I love fashion!
  • I want to wear boots!
  • So I have to find something else to blame for everything sucky in my life.
  • I want to travel overseas and not worry about prejudice from 'skinny' countries
  • So when anyone looks at me I don't automatically think they're thinking how gross I am.
  • So I can go to the gym whenever I want and not have to hide from the hot people
  • So I can finally go to university and not worry about missing out
  • So I can go to a job or a job interview and not think everyone is judging my fatness
  • So people don't judge me as a lazy person just from looking at me
  • So I don't get drive by fat comments
  • So I can be comfortable
  • So I can't say I'm still struggling with my weight! I want to WIN the battle!
  • So I can weigh myself and see double digits! I haven't seen those for many years..
  • So I don't have to cover the machines at the gym when I enter my weight.
  • I want to be one of those annoying people who's happy in their own skin!
  • To be able to go to the doctor and not worry about getting a lecture.
  • So I can enjoy life!
  • So I feel like I have the slightest hope of finding a partner one day.
  • So when I tell people I'm trying to lose weight they say I really don't need to instead of "good for you".
  • So I can eat in public and not feel judged
  • So I can comfortably wear high heels! (well.. as comfortable as it can be)
  • So I can wear jeans and cute t-shirts!
  • And shorts! And skirts! And anything besides what I wear now!
  • I never want anyone to say I'd be so ______ if I lost weight.
  • So I can exercise just to get fit and strong, not just to lose weight
  • So I can wear cute gym clothes!
  • So I can put photo's of myself on my facebook account
  • So, for the first time in my life I can simply maintain my weight and not worry about losing weight

That's about all for now. I feel like I could go on for days and I probably could but it's getting a little long. They're all true as well. I'll have to come look at it next time I'm having a bad day and feel like reaching for the chocolate! ..Mm.. chocolate. Damn it!

This is why I'm here, I want to change my life! And I really feel like I can this time. I won't be another statistic of weight loss failures.

Just a quick note..

For anyone whom I've followed recently and you're wondering who the heck I am.. Well I found you via a blog listing post at (or through somebody who is following you).

I hope you don't mind me following you, if so let me know and I'll fix zee problem :)

Day two. One word.. owie.

M&M's will never solve your problems. It will only add to them.

Heh that's very true. It's quite strange how we don't seem to realise that sometimes.

Anyhow, day two today! Woo go me. So far, so awesome. Except for the aforementioned owie. Yesterday I did two hours at the gym and 1/2 hour at home, hence the owie. I somehow hurt my shoulder and I have no idea how. Seriously, none of the machine's at the gym seem to aggravate the problem and it didn't actually hurt until hours after I left so.. strange. It's feeling a bit better today though which is good. Today I did another two hours at the gym but nothing at home because my thighs are a world of pain and crampness at the moment because I dared to use the squat machine yesterday. I haven't used it for a while and lordy I can definitely tell. But I still slogged it out at the gym today, pain and all, just a little less enthusiastically.

As for eating, I've done pretty awesome in that department (if I do say so myself). Day two into my sugar detox and all is going well. The worst thing I've eaten thus far is one piece of white bread (GASP!) and some 85% dark chocolate, which isn't technicaly bad I maybe just had a little too much.

So everything is going rather swimmingly at the moment. I did weigh myself today and it wasn't what I expected (huh? I haven't lost 10kgs wtf?!) but I'm not going there again until maybe Sunday or Monday. I'm pretty bad with keeping my promises to avoid the scales but I will try!

Hopefully I can loose as much as possible before my relo's upcoming wedding of doom. I really want to get a shocking reaction from people and at this point in time, I don't think I would even though I've already lost 25kgs. However, I have about 10 weeks to go and if I can keep this up who knows where I'll be. I was actually planning to do more than two hours per day, but I think I need to work up to that otherwise owie's may become so bad I can't exercise at all which would be worse. This week I'm sticking with two hours and I might up that next week. We'll see how I go.

Disclaimer about exercising. Yes, I realise two+ hours per day is absolutely not sustainable long term however at the moment I have nothing better to do so I figure I might as well work hard now and return to a more realistic routine later. I have been struggling to loose any weight for several months now and I was starting to feel hopeless, this way by working my butt off I'm hoping to see awesome results quickly which will help with my overall motivation when the results slow back down to a more 'reasonable' speed.

Wow I can't believe my second post has remained positive. That's a good sign too me.

I think one of my hurdles this week will be avoiding the food reward. That's where everything fell apart since the start of my 'journey'. No food rewards damn you. At least, not secret ones where there's noone to make me feel guilty about that 10th chocolate bar ha! I'm thinking maybe I buy myself something for each goal of losing maybe 5kgs? That sounds pretty reasonable. I just can't think of anything..  Clothes is out because I already have a problem buying clothes "to fit into". It's a terrible habit and the huge store sales aren't helping one bit! 75% off! Who can turn away from that? And I honestly can't think of anything else. I thought maybe books but that's something I buy often anyway so it wouldn't really be a treat. Oh well. I'll keep thinking!

Until tomorrow.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

The New Me, take two!

I've finally caved and made a blog. A top secret nobody in the 'real world' will know about it even though I'm dying to have readers type blog. Shiny!

So basically this blog is about me, Jessie and my struggles experiences in losing weight. Yep, fatty boom bar at your service! I've actually been on this "journey" (people losing weight like to call it a journey apparently) for around seven months so far and yes before you ask, there have been ups and downs. Literally, like on the scale and emotionally as well. This is one of the reasons I've decided to start this blog and hopefully gather some advice and maybe even a few friends in my new online domain. I have been keeping a paper and pen type journal for a while now but it's honestly just not doing it for me nowadays. I seem to get no relief ranting writing in a inanimate book about my feelings so I've started writing less and less.. until now! Somehow and inanimate computer feels better..

So that's the basic run down.

Seven months, I mentioned. Most of those were quite awesome actually, filled with all ups and no downs - except on the scales of course! However the last two or so months everything has become, well.. shit. It's become shit. No movement in the scales (except for the occasional up/down, repeat crap) and I've become rather depressed and hopeless about the whole thing. So from tomorrow I'm going to start fresh, more work less whinging! And instead of coming up with excuses I'm now going to come up with excuses for the excuses! Heh. So go me. I feel very nervous about failure but excited about success at the same time. Jittery would explain it well. I have to start thinking about the future, about my success, about the possibilities, no hopelessness allowed! Positive outcomes only damnit!

I like how positive and hopeful this first entry sounds. It's me setting the bench mark for all future blog entries (ha, yeah I wish). So bring on tomorrow. It's the start of the new me, take two.