So I had a little holiday.. Now I'm back.

Hello..

I haven't posted anything for a while have I? I've been meaning to several times but either haven't bothered and/or my computer was being stupid. I don't know whats going on with it.. Oh yeah, it's being stupid!!

Anyhow, for the record I did actually write several long, witty and might I add awesome blog posts in my mind but alas they did not make in onto the screen. I wish there was some contraption to transfer thoughts digitally. That would be awesomesauce.

So, in regards to the weight loss, it hasn't happened. I've fallen off and climbed back on the bandwagon a couple of times during the last month or so and its been pretty pathetic overall. I also have been quite slack with the gyming. Slack being, yeah, nothing most of the time but I'm going back for good tomorrow morning. At a hellish 5am when it will surely be absolutely freezing (one of the reasons I've been slack) but I will suck. it. up. because it's getting closer and closer to being a year since I started my 'journey' and I'll be damned if I've only lost 25 kgs in a whole freakin' year! (That's actually gone back down to 20 with my recent bandwagon kerfuffle).

Obviously I won't have lost the amount of weight I was planning on losing in a year because, frankly that's completely impossible to achieve now unless I go join a biggest loser type fat camp and pay millions of dollars for but I want the number to be reasonable! I want to at least be half way which would be around 35kgs. It's probably a bit more honestly, but I don't have a lot of time as my 1 year anniversary is the end of August. (Again, honestly it's the end of July but I had a tooth removed not long after I started and had about 2 weeks off per Dr's orders so that takes it to August).

So, if I can get back into losing 1kg per week I should be able to get to my goal of 35 lost by my anniversary. I think that's pretty reasonable actually. I've put to much pressure on myself in the past and that was where my whole issue started. When I thought I should just push harder and eat better and start losing more than 1 kg per week and I failed. Miserably.

It's been months since I've successfully lost anything (and not put it back on a week later). Several months. I lost the majority of my weight before the end of January and since then it's just been crap! Sometimes I feel really depressed about how long I've let my holiday troll on for.. I keep thinking about how much more I could have lost by now if I had got back on the bandwagon in February.. or March.. or even April for fucks sake! I've just been feeling so crap about a miniature failure that I've let it become a huge mess! You may remember a few weeks ago when I posted I lost 4kgs.. Well I wasn't even that happy about it! For some reason I went from being ecstatic about losing 1kg to being blase' about losing 4? Wtf? I must have serious issues huh.

So the good part of starting again now, as of tomorrow, is I can start re reading Gabriel's book again and I'll probably finish it in two days because it's so fucking cold I've been going to bed at like 8pm! And when it comes to getting up in the morning when it's freezing I'll remember this quote I found...

Action may not always bring happiness.

But without action, there is no happiness.

It is so perfect and so true. Who cares if I'm cold! I'll warm up soon enough! And when I've lost enough weight then I won't have to go to the gym so early in the morning and hide from the hot people!

If only I could will myself to remember these things when it counts!

I have to get back on the horse before it runs off into the distance without me! Yes it sucks I've put back on 5 kgs but don't let it become 10! Or more! I have to prove to myself I can finish something. And I'd like to be smaller by the time University starts at the end on July.

Wish me luck!

/end self pep talk

I promise I won't be as whiny today

Bring the body, the mind will follow.

New mantra, check.
I've been thinking today (gasp!) and the above quote seems like a nice place to start my new-new beginning. I think that's kind of how it worked the first time around (not this recent failure, I mean seven months ago, my real 'new begining'). I made physical changes like forcing myself to go to the gym and eating better and eventually it stopped being so hard to convince myself to do that. In fact, with the exception of the last week (or two) going to the gym isn't something I find a chore anymore. I may even actually enjoy going.. Although I probably wouldn't admit that out loud!

So I'm going to try something a little different and really really try not to stress over it all because obviously that isn't working for me. I'm also planning to re-read Jon Gabriel's book and listen to his meditation which I found very helpful when I first started.

I also bought Tiffiny Hall's new book recently (the new trainer on Biggest Loser) and it's quite information packed! I thought it would be very similar to Michelle Bridges book but it's really different. She goes into lots of details about how the different hormones work and all the different ingredients in food which is good and interesting but not exactly helpful. The weirdest thing is that her recipes in the back of the book have no calories listed and nutritional guide whatsoever. Isn't calorie counting pretty important to losing weight Tiffiny, dear? I mean she calls it a "no diet" book but even if you aren't counting calories it's nice to have an idea of whats in things. Sometimes it's shocking whats in some recipes. Especially ones that are called 'healthy'. So I guess I'll have to use my calorie counting book to look up every ingredient to try to work out the calories. That won't be time consuming at all.. Ick.

So food wise I'm not exactly sure what I'm planning at the moment. I wanted to finish reading Tiffiny's book before I really planned our eating but I don't know if I'll finish it in time for Monday. Hmm. I have the basic ideas in mind it's just making specific choices in order to do the groceries I have to decide. I guess I have all day tomorrow to work on it.

When it comes to food I think snacks are probably my biggest issue (besides the obvious falling off the path and binge eating). I always buy stuff for snacking then don't want to have it! It's so stupid. I'll think I want a snack so I'll look in the fridge but think "Urgh, I'm sick of having fruit/yogurt/etc" so sometimes I have nothing which makes me hungrier later which is another issue entirely, the thing here is if I just suck it up and have the damn fruit or yogurt then I'm fine with it! And usually enjoy it. Obviously there's some kind of mental thing happening there I need to work on. Maybe I need therapy? Ha!

Anyway as for the weight loss retreat thing, I'm not so sure about it now (mostly because it's so expensive) but I haven't taken it off the table yet.

So obviously I'm feeling quite a bit better about it all today. Although it could be because I'm on a bit of a sugar high. Irony much? Haha

Listy

My list of reasons to lose weight. Ok so they're mostly vain and related to looks but so what! Because I'm still young I haven't had any health issues related to weight (yet) and besides I've gone my whole life without ever feeling I look good so why wouldn't I want too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! :P

Listy - in no particular order.

• I want to run into old friends and have them not recognise me anymore in a good way, unlike now.
• So I can actually get in contact with old friends without worrying they're going to ask to meet up. (I have actually avoided contacting people I dearly miss from school years mostly because I don't want them to see how big I've become over the years).
• So my boobs stick out further than my tummy
• So I can be healthy!
• And fit!
• Maybe even be desirable to people other than those with a fetish.
• So that I am not the fattest person where ever I go.
• I don't want to use my weight as a reason for not being successful anymore.
• I want to wear cute dresses!
• So I can have a bath, comfortably.
• So that I stop making excuses not to socialise.
• I want people to not be so shocked to see my siblings because they're all skinny and I'm the fat one.
• I want to walk into any clothing store and be able to buy something that fits and looks nice.
• So I can wear the fashion I love.
• So people aren't surprised to learn I love fashion!
• I want to wear boots!
• So I have to find something else to blame for everything sucky in my life.
• I want to travel overseas and not worry about prejudice from 'skinny' countries
• So when anyone looks at me I don't automatically think they're thinking how gross I am.
• So I can go to the gym whenever I want and not have to hide from the hot people
• So I can finally go to university and not worry about missing out
• So I can go to a job or a job interview and not think everyone is judging my fatness
• So people don't judge me as a lazy person just from looking at me
• So I don't get drive by fat comments
• So I can be comfortable
• So I can't say I'm still struggling with my weight! I want to WIN the battle!
• So I can weigh myself and see double digits! I haven't seen those for many years..
• So I don't have to cover the machines at the gym when I enter my weight.
• I want to be one of those annoying people who's happy in their own skin!
• To be able to go to the doctor and not worry about getting a lecture.
• So I can enjoy life!
• So I feel like I have the slightest hope of finding a partner one day.
• So when I tell people I'm trying to lose weight they say I really don't need to instead of "good for you".
• So I can eat in public and not feel judged
• So I can comfortably wear high heels! (well.. as comfortable as it can be)
• So I can wear jeans and cute t-shirts!
• And shorts! And skirts! And anything besides what I wear now!
• I never want anyone to say I'd be so ______ if I lost weight.
• So I can exercise just to get fit and strong, not just to lose weight
• So I can wear cute gym clothes!
• So I can put photo's of myself on my facebook account
• So, for the first time in my life I can simply maintain my weight and not worry about losing weight

That's about all for now. I feel like I could go on for days and I probably could but it's getting a little long. They're all true as well. I'll have to come look at it next time I'm having a bad day and feel like reaching for the chocolate! ..Mm.. chocolate. Damn it!

This is why I'm here, I want to change my life! And I really feel like I can this time. I won't be another statistic of weight loss failures.

Day two. One word.. owie.

M&M's will never solve your problems. It will only add to them.

Heh that's very true. It's quite strange how we don't seem to realise that sometimes.

Anyhow, day two today! Woo go me. So far, so awesome. Except for the aforementioned owie. Yesterday I did two hours at the gym and 1/2 hour at home, hence the owie. I somehow hurt my shoulder and I have no idea how. Seriously, none of the machine's at the gym seem to aggravate the problem and it didn't actually hurt until hours after I left so.. strange. It's feeling a bit better today though which is good. Today I did another two hours at the gym but nothing at home because my thighs are a world of pain and crampness at the moment because I dared to use the squat machine yesterday. I haven't used it for a while and lordy I can definitely tell. But I still slogged it out at the gym today, pain and all, just a little less enthusiastically.

As for eating, I've done pretty awesome in that department (if I do say so myself). Day two into my sugar detox and all is going well. The worst thing I've eaten thus far is one piece of white bread (GASP!) and some 85% dark chocolate, which isn't technicaly bad I maybe just had a little too much.

So everything is going rather swimmingly at the moment. I did weigh myself today and it wasn't what I expected (huh? I haven't lost 10kgs wtf?!) but I'm not going there again until maybe Sunday or Monday. I'm pretty bad with keeping my promises to avoid the scales but I will try!

Hopefully I can loose as much as possible before my relo's upcoming wedding of doom. I really want to get a shocking reaction from people and at this point in time, I don't think I would even though I've already lost 25kgs. However, I have about 10 weeks to go and if I can keep this up who knows where I'll be. I was actually planning to do more than two hours per day, but I think I need to work up to that otherwise owie's may become so bad I can't exercise at all which would be worse. This week I'm sticking with two hours and I might up that next week. We'll see how I go.

Disclaimer about exercising. Yes, I realise two+ hours per day is absolutely not sustainable long term however at the moment I have nothing better to do so I figure I might as well work hard now and return to a more realistic routine later. I have been struggling to loose any weight for several months now and I was starting to feel hopeless, this way by working my butt off I'm hoping to see awesome results quickly which will help with my overall motivation when the results slow back down to a more 'reasonable' speed.

Wow I can't believe my second post has remained positive. That's a good sign too me.

I think one of my hurdles this week will be avoiding the food reward. That's where everything fell apart since the start of my 'journey'. No food rewards damn you. At least, not secret ones where there's noone to make me feel guilty about that 10th chocolate bar ha! I'm thinking maybe I buy myself something for each goal of losing maybe 5kgs? That sounds pretty reasonable. I just can't think of anything..  Clothes is out because I already have a problem buying clothes "to fit into". It's a terrible habit and the huge store sales aren't helping one bit! 75% off! Who can turn away from that? And I honestly can't think of anything else. I thought maybe books but that's something I buy often anyway so it wouldn't really be a treat. Oh well. I'll keep thinking!

Until tomorrow.

The New Me, take two!

I've finally caved and made a blog. A top secret nobody in the 'real world' will know about it even though I'm dying to have readers type blog. Shiny!

So basically this blog is about me, Jessie and my struggles experiences in losing weight. Yep, fatty boom bar at your service! I've actually been on this "journey" (people losing weight like to call it a journey apparently) for around seven months so far and yes before you ask, there have been ups and downs. Literally, like on the scale and emotionally as well. This is one of the reasons I've decided to start this blog and hopefully gather some advice and maybe even a few friends in my new online domain. I have been keeping a paper and pen type journal for a while now but it's honestly just not doing it for me nowadays. I seem to get no relief ranting writing in a inanimate book about my feelings so I've started writing less and less.. until now! Somehow and inanimate computer feels better..

So that's the basic run down.

Seven months, I mentioned. Most of those were quite awesome actually, filled with all ups and no downs - except on the scales of course! However the last two or so months everything has become, well.. shit. It's become shit. No movement in the scales (except for the occasional up/down, repeat crap) and I've become rather depressed and hopeless about the whole thing. So from tomorrow I'm going to start fresh, more work less whinging! And instead of coming up with excuses I'm now going to come up with excuses for the excuses! Heh. So go me. I feel very nervous about failure but excited about success at the same time. Jittery would explain it well. I have to start thinking about the future, about my success, about the possibilities, no hopelessness allowed! Positive outcomes only damnit!

I like how positive and hopeful this first entry sounds. It's me setting the bench mark for all future blog entries (ha, yeah I wish). So bring on tomorrow. It's the start of the new me, take two.