There's good news and bad news..

The good news is, horay! I've stuck to going to the gym again (for two whole days GASP!) even suffering through freezing weather and literally icey frozen cars. The bad news is my eating hasn't really improved to the same level.. if at all. So at the moment it's a combination of go me/I suck.

I'm actually feeling pretty guilty about eating badly today which is something that happens very rarely, if ever so I'm going to take that as a good sign. I'm also going to try to focus on the positives that I've achieved this week and try not to overly beat myself up over the failures. It's a new thing I'm trying, I was sick of explaining the black eyes all the time.

That said, by next week I want my butt to be in gear! Healthy mode, stat! And I'm not waiting until Monday because that always fails me. I'm going to start before Monday, not sure when.. Just before Monday.

Next week I also want to start going back to the gym for a little longer. Two hours was a little overkill but one hour seems a little slackish (for me) so I want to go back to 90 minutes. I was feeling quite good when I did that a couple of weeks ago and I was smashing through 900+ calories per session which is super awesome.

I've been thinking today, what the hell makes me think it's ok to keep cheating with food. That's what annoys me. What right do I have to jeopardise my future and my happiness for the sake of tasty food that really I can have any old time. It kind of pisses me off that I can't motivate and/or control myself at the moment. It always seems like when I really think about it, I feel this way but in the heat of the moment (or heat of the craving) everything just gets pushed to the back of my mind by the fat girl part of my brain and I think, meh, go for it. Why? Why? Why sit there moping and getting depressed about how little weight I've lost over the last 9-10 months when I could just get up and do something about it instead! So that I haven't only lost the same little amount in 12 months! I suppose if I could really answer these questions being overweight wouldn't be a problem would it now. Not for me or anyone else.

Gah, just gah!

So I had a little holiday.. Now I'm back.

Hello..

I haven't posted anything for a while have I? I've been meaning to several times but either haven't bothered and/or my computer was being stupid. I don't know whats going on with it.. Oh yeah, it's being stupid!!

Anyhow, for the record I did actually write several long, witty and might I add awesome blog posts in my mind but alas they did not make in onto the screen. I wish there was some contraption to transfer thoughts digitally. That would be awesomesauce.

So, in regards to the weight loss, it hasn't happened. I've fallen off and climbed back on the bandwagon a couple of times during the last month or so and its been pretty pathetic overall. I also have been quite slack with the gyming. Slack being, yeah, nothing most of the time but I'm going back for good tomorrow morning. At a hellish 5am when it will surely be absolutely freezing (one of the reasons I've been slack) but I will suck. it. up. because it's getting closer and closer to being a year since I started my 'journey' and I'll be damned if I've only lost 25 kgs in a whole freakin' year! (That's actually gone back down to 20 with my recent bandwagon kerfuffle).

Obviously I won't have lost the amount of weight I was planning on losing in a year because, frankly that's completely impossible to achieve now unless I go join a biggest loser type fat camp and pay millions of dollars for but I want the number to be reasonable! I want to at least be half way which would be around 35kgs. It's probably a bit more honestly, but I don't have a lot of time as my 1 year anniversary is the end of August. (Again, honestly it's the end of July but I had a tooth removed not long after I started and had about 2 weeks off per Dr's orders so that takes it to August).

So, if I can get back into losing 1kg per week I should be able to get to my goal of 35 lost by my anniversary. I think that's pretty reasonable actually. I've put to much pressure on myself in the past and that was where my whole issue started. When I thought I should just push harder and eat better and start losing more than 1 kg per week and I failed. Miserably.

It's been months since I've successfully lost anything (and not put it back on a week later). Several months. I lost the majority of my weight before the end of January and since then it's just been crap! Sometimes I feel really depressed about how long I've let my holiday troll on for.. I keep thinking about how much more I could have lost by now if I had got back on the bandwagon in February.. or March.. or even April for fucks sake! I've just been feeling so crap about a miniature failure that I've let it become a huge mess! You may remember a few weeks ago when I posted I lost 4kgs.. Well I wasn't even that happy about it! For some reason I went from being ecstatic about losing 1kg to being blase' about losing 4? Wtf? I must have serious issues huh.

So the good part of starting again now, as of tomorrow, is I can start re reading Gabriel's book again and I'll probably finish it in two days because it's so fucking cold I've been going to bed at like 8pm! And when it comes to getting up in the morning when it's freezing I'll remember this quote I found...

Action may not always bring happiness.

But without action, there is no happiness.

It is so perfect and so true. Who cares if I'm cold! I'll warm up soon enough! And when I've lost enough weight then I won't have to go to the gym so early in the morning and hide from the hot people!

If only I could will myself to remember these things when it counts!

I have to get back on the horse before it runs off into the distance without me! Yes it sucks I've put back on 5 kgs but don't let it become 10! Or more! I have to prove to myself I can finish something. And I'd like to be smaller by the time University starts at the end on July.

Wish me luck!

/end self pep talk

I'm baaack

Happy Easter!

Today is the worst day for anyone on a diet, with maybe the exception of Christmas but somehow I have won! Yes, I did have some dark chocolate (2 squares of Lindt 'intense blueberry' omg!) and I had some pretzels but that's it. Oh no, I lie. I also had a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich thingy which only has 124 calories so I don't really feel guilty about that. I was considering buying myself some chocolate because hey, it's Easter but I somehow convinced myself not to. Feeling chuffed.

Tomorrow is the first real weekly weigh in I've had for a while! For the last few months I haven't really gone a whole week without completely falling off the bandwagon for at least one day a week so weigh-ins weren't really 'legit'. This time, however it shall be! Hopefully it will be a pretty big loss because I managed to put on those last six kilos so quickly. Fingers crossed!

I've still been trying to think of 'rewards' for myself but I still can't think of anything that would really fit the bill. It has to be something I really want but not food related. I've noticed a lot of people get spa treatments, massages, manicures etc but that so isn't up my alley. The only thing I've really thought of is maybe going to the movies because I do that very rarely but thinking about it now it's not something that's very exciting. Hmm.. work in progress.

Also it looks like I'll be borrowing my aunty's treadmill to use at home. Sweet. I want it because I'd really like to start running (jogging or rather, shuffling is more like it) but I'm to self conscious to do so at the gym. I really need some new work out shoes, ones that are properly measured for me and such so I've decided to give the treadmill 1 month and if I stick with it that long then I can get new shoes! Here's hoping. It's nice having a plan sometimes.

That's it for now.

As Dory would say.. Just keep swimming!

I didn't go to the gym again today, I still have pretty bad pains. I thought they were from PMS but now I'm not so sure. Perfect timing too because the doctors are closed for like a week because of Easter. Oh well, they gym is close now until Wednesday anyways so it doesn't really matter in that sense. I'll probably just be going on long walks in the mornings.

I resisted the urge to buy chocolate today. I really felt like it and I was going to but I somehow convinced myself not too. Yes! And I went through KFC and didn't buy anything there either! I came home and had some 85% dark chocolate and an apple instead. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself actually and that's something that doesn't happen often.

So today I've been thinking about what I might like to study next year but the degree I'm thinking of doing would mean I would have to do and entry course which would start in about July and I'm worried my weight is holding me back from committing to that. That's actually the reason I didn't start uni this year. I got into the degree I applied for but I decided to defer for a number of reasons including my weight. I was supposed to use this extra time to focus on that but unfortunately I kind of fell off the bandwagon for a few months. I'm back on course now (obviously) but I can't help but think about how much smaller I would be now if I hadn't given up! I suppose on the other hand I could think about how much bigger I would probably be if I hadn't started at all. I guess that puts things in perspective. BLERG it's so frustrating and stupid and pointless and and and..

Ok I'm not going to stress about it. I have until June to really decide. Hopefully I have an epiphany by then!

Also..

I forgot to mention that I've managed to put on another 2 kgs. Urgh. I probably deserve it though. Hopefully they come off as easily as they went on!