Opposites attract right?..

Weight loss isn't a race you quit when you're behind - It's a quest for life

So I had my weigh in yesterday, great news I've lost 4 kilos!! Awesome yes! I realise that number is mostly because I put on those kegs so quickly and probably some fluid and what not but hey, still awesome in my book! Yay! I don't expect those sorts of numbers every week.. It'd be nice but completely unrealistic unless you're on the biggest loser of course. I also officially got my auntys tready yesterday. So far I haven't used it but I plan to use it twice tomorrow to make up for not using it today. I haven't today because certain people are home and I feel their judgement through solid walls. It was a huge pain in the ass to get inside but it's in and I'm looking forward to getting started on it. Also, the gym is open again as of tomorrow! HORAY! I never thought I would say something like that in a million years haha

On the flip side of all that, I've had a pretty bad day today eating wise. Apparently 'that' part of my brain decided I was going to falls off the rails ('that' being the fat girl part). The annoying part is I probably could have convinced myself not to but for some reason.. I didn't. Oh well, too late now I guess. But I won't do the usual week off thing I have done in the past when I've made one mistake. Bad.

Moving on, I'm hoping to get into see the dr tomorrow because my latest side effect of my new pills (besides the apparent weight gain) is .. I'm losing my hair. Not happy. The worst part is if I stress over about it, it will probably get worse so I'm really trying not to stress but it feels like every time I touch my hair more falls out. I'm losing the same amount I would have previously in a month in about.. 2 days. The good thing is I have thick hair so I'm not going bald or anything but sheesh, I'm starting to notice a difference and I'll admit it's kind of freaking me out. So goodbye new pill, welcome back old one.

Thats about all for now.. I'll just go will my hair to stay put.

Urgh, new begining FAIL

So the last week or so since I've posted has been pretty bad.

Firstly I've been pretty down because I've somehow managed to put on four kilo's. I'm furious and disappointed and lots of other things and honestly, I really felt like giving up. Then I found out my nan was taken to hospital, she's still in there now. She had a small stroke and has had a pace maker put in. All is ok at the moment (she's in recovery) but for a while it was pretty scary so that's been very stressful. Partly because I've had to be the support for my mum and she's been pretty freaked about the whole thing, which is understandable. So neither of us have been to the gym for like a week (we go together) and that in itself made me feel even more crap if that's possible. SIGH.

I've also been guilt tripping myself quite a lot. I turned to food to deal with this situation which I then torn myself up about. I really feel like a failure at the moment to be honest.

Also for some stupid reason my mind decided it would choose this week to start freaking out about my future (career wise) because if I decide to go to University next year I have to start my entry course in June which means I really need to decide what I want to do before then which I can't seem to do.

So yes, in general it's been pretty.. urgh. However I have plans to go back to the gym on Monday as per the usual and try to work a bit harder. I've been looking into those weight loss retreats again because I keep watching the Biggest Loser on tv (also depressing btw) and I've been thinking about going to one for about two weeks but I can't really afford it. I'm sure I could work something out but it's a lot of money. I'm thinking that I'll try working harder at the gym for a while, maybe go twice a day and see if that can help budge some of this flubber. Sound familiar? lol Wasnt' I just saying the exact same things mere weeks ago.. The annoying thing is it's difficult to go twice! I mean, I have nothing better to do at the moment (yes, I'm a bum) but I already go in the mornings, the afternoons and evenings are packed (and boy, do I mean packed! It's only a small gym) so the only other quiet time to go is around 1pm ish and that's when some of the young, buff guys go to lift ridiculous weights and I feel way way self conscious around them. I've gone in the afternoons before but I usually feel so bad I leave after like 20 minutes which seems like a big waste of time because it then takes that long to drive home! As for working out at home, that doesn't really do it for me. I find it very hard to get motivated to exercise at home and then when I do it takes literally twice as long to burn the same amount of calories as it does at the gym which is disappointing. ARGH! I can't win!

I also found out yesterday that apparently my cousin was going to ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding but decided not to because she didn't want to put me in the awkward position of having to turn her down. Right, because surely no fat person in their right mind would want to be in a wedding party! I don't know what makes me more angry, the fact that she's right or that fact that she didn't even bother to ask! Can't I make my own decisions? Now I kind of don't want to go at all. I've offered to take care of my nan if she isn't well enough to go to the wedding (in 8 weeks) so I might not be. Just for the record I didn't offer to take care of her just to get out of going, that was a happy coincidence! The truth is I really do want to go and I would have been so flattered if she had asked me to participate.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

End whine